My boyfriend has low libido: sex issues in bed with Gigi
welcome to In bed with Gigi Engle, a weekly column in which sex and relationship writer Gigi Engle answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is forbidden! From threesome to anal, unrequited love to cheating: we want to hear it all.
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I have been in a committed relationship for three years. For the past 12 months, my boyfriend has taken antidepressants, making his already low libido non-existent. Masturbating gives me minimal relief, as I am mostly overwhelmed by an uncomfortable feeling that is not unlike being run over by a train and being kicked in the stomach. I find the whole experience humiliating and exhausting.
My boyfriend gave me permission to having sex with other men; but after two of those experiences he said he felt too hurt by it to allow it any longer. This exasperated the problem, making me feel even worse since it wasn’t the solution I was looking for in the first place.
I will take any advice you have to offer to deal with this problem. I’m driving myself crazy.
To be a highly sexual woman is a blessing and a curse, believe me.
Your position is particularly difficult because it is simply not the norm presented in society. Women who want sex more than their partners seem abnormal; like it’s wrong for you to have the desires you have.
But listen to me: a taste for sex and sexual expression is PERFECTLY NORMAL! There is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I know it’s easier said than done, but the more sex you surround yourself with, the more normal and comfortable it is. Date people who understand what you want.
Sex is about as vulnerable a thing as there is. You’re naked, you put yourself forward … and being rejected when you’re in that position is really going to ruin your self-esteem. Facing this grueling battle over and over again can and will wear you down. It sucks to feel unwanted.
I think it was noble and selfless enough that your boyfriend let you get what you needed elsewhere. Sometimes that’s really the only answer when your partner isn’t able to please you and doesn’t know what else to do. That being said, I can understand why this has only happened twice. There is a big difference between having a real open relationship because you both want to explore other avenues of sexuality and let your partner have sex with another guy because you feel so inadequate.
Ultimately, sex with a vibrator (or someone who isn’t your boyfriend) can’t fix a lack of sexual intimacy with your partner.
Jealousy is a real thing, and is therefore injured. I’m sure he feels a lot of both. He is also probably overwhelmed with guilt that he cannot give you what you need. And the only thing those feelings are going to do is compound the problem.
With all of that in mind, let’s talk about possible solutions – or, at least, ways to make it bearable.
It would be a shame to let go of someone you really love because of a difference in sexual desire. There are TONS of ways to experience sex outside of direct sex. I think you should do all you can to bridge the gap before ending the whole partnership.
We owe it to our partners to meet them halfway in all aspects of our relationships, including sex. So I suggest that your boyfriend participate in your masturbation sessions with you. Antidepressants are a bitch – and if he needs to be on them, he needs to be on them. They can really mess up your libido; but if being on antidepressants keeps him level and out of a really dark place, you need to work around them.
Masturbating with a partner can be very sensual, if a bit unconventional. I’m a lot more sexual than my boyfriend, and it’s a solution that really works for us by creating the closeness and intimacy I need without putting all the pressure on him to perform. Have your partner use your vibrator on you instead of doing it yourself. Or, use it on yourself and have it engage in some other way, like sucking your nipples or giving you a massage.
The point is, you need closeness, and he has to be prepared to offer closeness to you in any way he can.
He can’t force himself to want to have sex, but he can join in on the action with you to make sure you’re happy. If that doesn’t work, you both should definitely see a relationship counselor. Talking to someone as a couple can really help you find real, achievable solutions. You want to explore all avenues before you throw in the towel. This way you know you have done all you can.
Love your favorite internet aunt,