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I am a sex coach and I swear to plan sex in relationships

If you’ve ever been to a long term relationship, it may sound familiar: you and your partner fall in bed at the end of each day completely exhausted, promising yourself that you will have sex tomorrow. While tomorrow-sex rarely comes, pun intended entirely.

As a certified sex coach and sex therapist, I often hear how difficult it is to make time for privacy while leading a hectic life. That’s why I swear by the scheduling sex in relationships. This is exactly what it sounds like: sitting down with your partner and marking the sex dates in your calendar.

Many of my colleagues from sexual health space and I call it ‘maintenance sex’, which … it doesn’t sound sexy, I know. But for some people, planning sex is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship, hence the nickname.

“It really feels like we’re closer now than when we were waiting for the ‘vibe’ to hit us. Without it being scheduled, we were like two ships passing in the middle of the night, ”Melissa B., 28, who has been with her husband for eight years and has been planning sex for just over a year, told SELF. year. “Either I didn’t feel it, he was working late, or we honestly [were] just too exhausted.

Why I’m a fan of planning sex

Although sex is generally so, so vital to love relationship happiness, people often let it fall into a long-term relationship. Planning sex is an amazing way for partners to keep intimacy and satisfaction alive.

If sex fuels your bond, it’s not just a little extra fluff that you should try to work into your day if you have the time. When it’s part of the glue that holds you together, it deserves a little respect and dedication. But there is this very common and annoying myth that sex should just be to arrive. For many people, sex in long-term relationships usually doesn’t work that way. And it’s good !

“[Scheduling sex] helped our sex life. Having to plan for it in our lives has given us both a little idea of ​​the reality that we need to make time for, ”said Brook W., 24, who has been with her partner for eight years and has been planning sex since. nine months. .

How to actually plan sex

1. Find a day and time that works for you both.

It seems obvious, but you can’t plan sex without this bit. I recommend couples sit down together and make a time that works, whether it’s a stand-up sex date or something you have to decide again every week. It sounds like a more intentional step towards privacy than planning through texting and the like. The technology is great, but there really is no such thing as face time IRL.

Don’t just think about when it makes logistical sense, also think about when you might be feeling most engaged or excited emotionally and mentally.

“I suggested planning sex because my partner preferred late night sex and I’m an early riser, and both of our lives were pretty busy. We started planning sex later in the afternoon. – midday and early evening when we both had good energy, ”said August M., 40, who has been in a relationship for four years and has been planning sex for three years.

2. In fact, put it on your calendar.

When you write down your scheduled sex, you give it the same weight you would give any other important date. So make sure it’s on both your calendars. Even give it a designated color. I suggest bright pink or red. (You can guess why.)