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7 things you shouldn’t put inside your vagina no matter what you’ve heard

Life is about experimenting, and hey, I totally understand. When you’re a woman in your twenties, after growing up watching Gender and city, the truth about what your IRL sex life really is can be a little underwhelming. There are a lot more missionaries and a lot fewer orgasms than anyone, but that doesn’t mean you automatically have the free reign to spice up your privacy in all as you see fit. In fact, there are several things you shouldn’t put in your vagina, it doesn’t matter what you’ve seen on TV or heard at brunch with friends.

Your vagina is a very complex, self-regulating machine. He can tolerate just about everything from the monthly visitor that is your Aunt Flo, to the laborious stretching of childbirth. Nonetheless, you should still make a point of checking what you put there and how it might affect you, both physically and chemically.

While figuring out what you like sexually is absolutely important, there are plenty of ways to do it without putting yourself in danger or causing a potentially humiliating trip to the emergency room on a random Saturday afternoon. Just to be sure, you should probably keep some things away from your special area. Here are seven things you shouldn’t put inside your vagina no matter what you’ve heard through the vineyard.

If you want to putting whipped cream on your body, Go for it. But please don’t throw it directly inside your vagina. It is possible that it irritates the skin inside your wife’s parts, and whipped cream is not exactly going to be easy to get out.

On a related note, please do not put the entire aerosol can box of whipped cream inside your vagina, unless you want to remove it surgically.

Gwyneth Paltrow celebrated the power of steam as a “cleanser” for your vagina and, more specifically, the value of Mugwort V-Steam, which apparently works as an antifungal.

The jury is out on this one. While lukewarm steam certainly won’t harm your vagina, hot steam could, especially since the steam is hotter than boiling water. Your best bet is to keep anything hot away from all internal organs.


Cucumbers (or any vegetable, for that matter)

I’m not sure why someone would do it want to something that size close to their vagina, but if you’re interested in playing with your products, consider using something safer, like a vibrator.

Cucumbers – and all other vegetables, as long as we’re on the subject – can potentially be coated with pesticides. It is obviously not something you want to go near your vagina, because your body might have an unpleasant reaction to what is essentially poison meant to keep animals away from food.

If you are going to use anal toys for your vagina, be sure to wash them over and over again and again before using them. Insertion even a small amount of poop in your vagina can be terrible for you and can lead to a painful and messy bacterial infection there.

For added safety, it would be ideal if you had toys with two different uses: those for the buttocks and those for vaginal use. Prevention is better than cure.


Rhinestone And Sequins

OK, I fully understand the urge to throw a handful of rhinestones and glitter to literally anything you can get your hands on it. I personally believe in the idea that all inanimate objects should be dazzled and / or drown in glitter. But frankly, your vagina is not an inanimate object.

Putting rhinestones, sequins and similar types of accessories near your vagina puts you at risk of placing these things inside of your vagina. While it’s great that you wanted your body to be technicolor in color, imagine how much one of those little glued rhinestones could cause if it got lodged somewhere and refused to come out – can you smell me?

Yes, it’s a real thing that some women actually did. For a hot second, people actually put oak gall (aka calcifications from wasp nests found in trees) inside their vaginas in hopes of tightening and rejuvenating their vaginas.

It’s kind of crazy that this has to be said, but here we are: Do not put wasp’s nest in your vagina, even if there are no wasps near the nest in question. Do not do it.

Yes, apple cider vinegar is 100% a miracle liquid. But that doesn’t mean you have to put a very acidic liquid anywhere near the inside of your vagina, which has its own regulating system to control pH levels. Apple cider vinegar, in a very, very diluted form, can sometimes be used to treat yeast infections, but beyond that, there is no reason why you should put some sort of acidic liquid near your vagina, especially in its most concentrated form.